Birthdays.
I had a life-affirming experience on Monday, in a very literal way. Had my ultrasound elective for women's health. Wasn't anticipating that it would have any sort of impact on me. I've been taking fetal heartbeats for a while now at the clinic. I still get a kick out of being able to find it. And I think half the time I'm more excited to hear it than the mother. But this was different. Had no idea how much you could see as early as 24 weeks.
The third fetus I watched kept rubbing her eyes (yes, you could already see that she was female). You have no idea how cute this thing was. I will embarass myself for a minute here and say that I almost thought I was going to cry while staring at this tiny little pitzponet waving hands around on the computer monitor. And then had this split second fantasy of watching a screen just like this one and not being the doctor-in-training. Funny, considering that I think it was only last week I was talking to Ilana about not having any maternal pangs when seeing all the little kids waddling around in our building.
My snapshot fantasy is so different from the reality that's lying next to me on the examining table. Meet Monica. She's 23 years old and single and pregnant with her second child. She's in school part-time and her mom is helping her take care of her six year old daughter.
Most of the women I see in the clinic are not women, they're girls. They're almost all younger than me. Thinking back on the past few months that I've been visiting there -- not a single time have I seen a husband walk in for a prenatal visit. Some mothers, some children. Once a boyfriend called during an exam. I can promise you, in my fantasy ultrasound exam, I'm not lying there alone. Mr. Dad is not some mysterious figure in the background. He's huddled over the screen and probably even more excited than I am.
I've loved working at Echo and the Monte clinic in the South Bronx, but it's an odd feeling working for an underserved population when you're not underserved. It's not so comfortable realizing that everything your patients live with is not good enough for you. And I'm not just talking about the liberty to sign up for thousands of dollars worth of education-debt and not worry about getting food on your plate. It's everything from the kind of respect you anticipate from a stranger to the kind of behavior you'll be willing to accept from a partner. It's not so easy to navigate this discrepancy when you're getting to know someone even in the confines of the doctor-patient relationship. Especially now, I relate to many of the patients on much more of a peer level, probably because I'm not the doctor yet and I'm close to their age.
I think the first time it really hit me, I was waiting with one woman for the doctor to come back with her chart. She was pregnant and she asked me if I had any kids.
"Kids? Ha. I'm so far from even thinking about getting married you have no idea." I bit my tongue too late.
"I would have liked to have gotten married. It's hard. Life doesn't always work out the way you want it to."
Next week I'm due for labor and delivery.
I had a life-affirming experience on Monday, in a very literal way. Had my ultrasound elective for women's health. Wasn't anticipating that it would have any sort of impact on me. I've been taking fetal heartbeats for a while now at the clinic. I still get a kick out of being able to find it. And I think half the time I'm more excited to hear it than the mother. But this was different. Had no idea how much you could see as early as 24 weeks.
The third fetus I watched kept rubbing her eyes (yes, you could already see that she was female). You have no idea how cute this thing was. I will embarass myself for a minute here and say that I almost thought I was going to cry while staring at this tiny little pitzponet waving hands around on the computer monitor. And then had this split second fantasy of watching a screen just like this one and not being the doctor-in-training. Funny, considering that I think it was only last week I was talking to Ilana about not having any maternal pangs when seeing all the little kids waddling around in our building.
My snapshot fantasy is so different from the reality that's lying next to me on the examining table. Meet Monica. She's 23 years old and single and pregnant with her second child. She's in school part-time and her mom is helping her take care of her six year old daughter.
Most of the women I see in the clinic are not women, they're girls. They're almost all younger than me. Thinking back on the past few months that I've been visiting there -- not a single time have I seen a husband walk in for a prenatal visit. Some mothers, some children. Once a boyfriend called during an exam. I can promise you, in my fantasy ultrasound exam, I'm not lying there alone. Mr. Dad is not some mysterious figure in the background. He's huddled over the screen and probably even more excited than I am.
I've loved working at Echo and the Monte clinic in the South Bronx, but it's an odd feeling working for an underserved population when you're not underserved. It's not so comfortable realizing that everything your patients live with is not good enough for you. And I'm not just talking about the liberty to sign up for thousands of dollars worth of education-debt and not worry about getting food on your plate. It's everything from the kind of respect you anticipate from a stranger to the kind of behavior you'll be willing to accept from a partner. It's not so easy to navigate this discrepancy when you're getting to know someone even in the confines of the doctor-patient relationship. Especially now, I relate to many of the patients on much more of a peer level, probably because I'm not the doctor yet and I'm close to their age.
I think the first time it really hit me, I was waiting with one woman for the doctor to come back with her chart. She was pregnant and she asked me if I had any kids.
"Kids? Ha. I'm so far from even thinking about getting married you have no idea." I bit my tongue too late.
"I would have liked to have gotten married. It's hard. Life doesn't always work out the way you want it to."
Next week I'm due for labor and delivery.
posted by tami at 11:49 PM
1 Comments:
labor? and delivery?? that's the scariest thing i've ever heard. i'm sure you'll be great at it -- once you've done a pelvic exam, everyhing else is a piece of cake, right? -- but wow.
Post a Comment
<< Home